Who got you

Imagine dying alone. My sister told me this week a co-worker who was asthmatic died; and she could not find anyone to reach out and give the sad news to. Apparently, he lived at his place of work, thus technically no one was looking for him. Just like that, a soul disappeared and no one felt his absence enough to look for him. What a sad thought! Again, imagine not having any family member or friend call around after your “disappearance”.

A few weeks ago, I opened up about my childhood sexual abuse and how it alienated me from my extended family. I was satisfied and content to live my life with my nuclear family – my parents and my siblings. They cared and loved me and had proved it countless times. Their affection was sufficient to keep me going. I would see how my friends embraced their large family gatherings and appreciated when they would ask me over - any Haitian home-cooked meals and I'm there. Their family somehow became whom I experienced major celebrations with. The most significant and recent memory I have is my best friend Myriam’s wedding. Her mother calls me “Pierre-Pierre”; I can hear her affectionate voice resonating through the house during the pre-wedding celebrations. If I called Manmie Maggie, my other best friend Jenn's mother and ask for any meal, she will whip it up for me. They had become my extended family.

This thanksgiving was special for me in many ways. This was the first time in about 8 years I sat down with my aunt and cousins and really basked in the family love and festivities. Small and intimate dinner, due to the pandemic but it was exactly what the doctor ordered. For many years, I resented my extended family as I blamed everyone for a mistake one cousin made. If a cousin was able to hurt me this way then what else could you guys do? How can I trust your words, your actions? How can you say you love me and want the best for me, when someone just as close to me took advantage of my childhood, of my innocence? Everyone was put in the same basket – thinking about it, it was easier to do so then to differentiate everyone. Again, my parents and my siblings were my everything and no one else would have access to my unconditional love.

But Wow! What a lonely perspective!

Hearing the excitement in my mom’s voice when I told her I was spending thanksgiving with her little sister was pure joy. Having to tell her about my awful childhood experience was the hardest thing I ever had to do and witnessing the peace and happiness I can bring her by showing her and letting her know I have moved on from that episode and embracing my extended family is magical. I am feeling loved, appreciated and I want them to feel I no longer resent them for something that, one, they did not know about; and second, they had no control over. I had to free them of that guilt.

Having loved ones who will go to bat for you is almost an ego-booster. Like whoa, they love me that much to do this?!

This brings me back to the gentleman who passed away at my sister’s workplace. No one has reached out. To be born, you must have parents. And your parents must have siblings. As an individual being, part of a society, you must have friends. Who will show up for you? Let’s think about it. Are you showing up for people more than they are showing up for you? Are you clapping for your entourage and supporting them more than they are supporting you?

I have learned you must not lose yourself so much being there for others that you are left broken, unappreciated or in the early example, unclaimed. You need a tribe but also your tribe needs you. Any relationship should be a two-way street. How many times have we left a “situation” because we felt the love was not being reciprocated; whether a friendship or a romantic relationship. You cannot keep on giving without receiving. Being drained and exploited is not the goal. You need love too.

Being a 33 year-old female who has gone through many significant events, I know I cannot be in any relationship – going forward, I will use this word to mean both friendship and romantic liaisons – where the showing up is not reciprocated. It will never be 50/50 at all times but ill be damned if I am the one giving 100% at all times. It gets exhausting and life is dreadful enough to not have to suffer, or endure mediocrity on the personal level.

A text here, a call there, a visit here, a gift there – there is always a way to show someone their presence matters in your life. What a lonely existence to not have anyone show up for you? Have you been that much of a bad person, or just unlucky?

Being a part of a community matters. I am lucky I did come to this resolution sooner than later. I would not say I wasted years – as there was a reason for my detachment from the family, but it is good to be able to sit in the living room and share stories, enjoy the little moments together.

Some things I am at peace with:

· It is ok to let yourself be loved. Thugs need love too. Even in the moments I felt stubborn and invincible in my distant demeanor, I wanted to know my family loved and cared for me.

· It is ok to express your feelings. Your sentiments matter. You have to be able to speak your mind and feel heard; nothing is more freeing than being your true self. "Speak your mind and the rest will follow..."

· It is ok to need a break from family/friends. Sometimes you can take your family in small doses; this is why thanksgiving is such a hit. You see them once a year, truly enjoy their company and move on. See you next year, or not!

· It is ok to love yourself harder than them – actually, this is a requirement as no one got you as you got you! Think about it: how can you love someone if you are not loving yourself; what is the reference you are using?

· It is ok to start over – with new family members and friends if the need is present. There will be disagreement; I truly believe in going and staying where you feel appreciated. You glow different when you are loved on the right way. The grass is not always greener on the other side, but eating dirt is also not the vibe.

I am genuinely happy within my circle; grateful I have extended it and let a few more people in. No one deserves to be and feel lonely. My hope is that whoever you are showing up for is showing up as hard for you. We all deserve a someone or two.