WHAT'S IT WORTH TO YOU?

“Know your worth!”

Every other Instagram post is a girl screaming about knowing her worth and how she will never go back to what/who broke her. These posts are bolder on their birthday, New Year or after a breakup! Not going to front; been there done that; if not on IG, definitely in my head. Worth is a word thrown around frequently and could mean anything you want it to. Like are we talking monetary value? How do you even gage it? Also is worth only in relationships? If she knew her worth, she would not have stayed in that relationship/marriage for so long. She can do so much better than him. Alright, alright, but how and who determines that?

I feel confidence and worth go together but similar to the chicken and egg story, which one comes first? Does your boost of confidence make you understand your worth or knowing your worth bumps up your confidence?

This past year I chose to actively seek a therapist. Due to my past trauma, I always felt I wanted (or needed) to speak to someone but since I have done such a decent job at pushing through, did it even matter to sit on someone’s couch? Or pay someone to listen to what I tell God, my family and friends for free? Hey, especially with this pandemic, every single penny was of the essence. Long story short, I found a black male therapist – requiring no co-pay with my insurance, winning! The race of my therapist mattered to me; he had to be Black – especially addressing rape in black Caribbean families; and him being male, was more so to see my “broken pieces” in the eye of the opposite sex. No matter how strong you are, or come out of any trauma, there is a piece of you that is left broken, shattered, entangled. That piece can drive you to vices like alcohol, drugs, sex or to overachieve some wonderful goals – or anywhere between these two extremes.

Hearing the same advice from someone you are paying just hits different. Many things he was saying, I already knew; either from my own deductions, from my family/friends or just knowing better years after.

Then the topic of worth came. From a simple question, “now that you are out of the situation, how would you prevent the same circumstances to reoccur”? Oops. In other words, “now you know better, you do better”.

His question opened the door to this post – every situation you have gone through has taught you something. It opened your eyes to your own strength and what you know does not serve you. It helped shape your confidence, adding to your worth. The red flags should be noticed AND avoided earlier. Who wants to get cheated on again? Who wants the same wasted position at work? Who wants to constantly be the target of jokes at the family gathering?

There are many areas in which you should know your worth and stand your grounds when it is needed. Of course, the first example that may come to mind is love/relationship. But what if I told you not only you should know your worth in every transaction involving a human being but also simply you; I mean you are a human being also. Let’s dive in.

• Love / relationship – a lot of mistakes happen when dealing with matters of the heart. I mean how logical was your last decision when you were in love love. You don’t think right, you don’t move right. Everything is done to prevent to mud the waters; you want the honeymoon phase to last forever. God forbid you had a couple of bad relationships at a young age; your concept of what a healthy relationship should look like is broken. You might see many examples on TV (definitely not any Tyler Perry movies) but how do you recreate something you only aspire and can’t even put in words or recognize even if it was in front of you. Your worth in a relationship definitely depends on your individual worth – that juicy part will be discussed last.

Knowing your worth within the relationship helps it last longer or better yet, you cut out your losses sooner. You recognize when someone is not for you, and it is no disrespect to them, but just like the saying “It is not you, it is me” – you might be the perfect man, or woman for someone else, but your work ethic or lack of, your spending ways, your religious views, your family dynamics do not fit with what I want to build on. That is it. The sooner we recognize the differences we cannot live with, the sooner we can spend lifetime with the person we can live with. Life is too short to be miserable in love. Know your worth and spare yourself some heartbreaks.

• Friendship – “Alexa, cue what about your friends from TLC”. Ever watched the high school movies like Bring it On or Clueless; there is always a mean girl and her associates. Their identity is lost as they follow the mean girl’s every move. It almost seems they cannot stand on their own. As we grow up, I would like to think we no longer let one friend, who maybe because of her fashion sense, multiple diplomas, German make car make all of our decisions. We might still run in packs but understanding what each of you brings to the friendship helps with the dynamics.

On social media, you could see the pics of a girl group, saying which one are you? The one pouring the shot, the one taking it to the head, the one who is always late or the one who always declines an outing (just a quick example). I say this to illustrate there is a role for everyone. You bring something special to your friends’ group. If they do not see it, they are not your people; and most importantly, if you don’t see it yourself, maybe you should be by yourself for sometime until you figure out the group where you can stand proud, be yourself and not feel ashamed to retract when certain things do not serve you. Actually, your best girlfriends will know what situations they should not put you through.

• Work – I had to learn this this year! Say it with me: “THIS IS JUST A JOB”. Do not kill yourself for no company when you are irreplaceable; I mean do your job well, but nothing extra. Leave the extra for your purpose because I know 90% of us is working at a place just for the consistent paycheck, not our calling or purpose. Knowing your worth at work is understanding your work duties and functioning within them. You clock in and clock out; you are courteous to your co-workers; because at the end, who wants a hostile work environment. Some of us are at work more than we are at home. So I am all about protecting my peace.

They hired you to do a job, so they must have confidence you will do it well among many candidates they skip over. But the minute they are speaking a different language, you are in your rights to understand the difference; speak up and if nothing is being rectify, then the 2-week notice is being written and sent expeditiously! You don’t have all these student loans for nothing.

• Family – oh family! They raised you so they will feel they own the rights to be up in your business or to tell you what your every move should be. Sometimes, it is because they know you and want what is best for you. But even then, no one should dictate your life more than yourself. I welcome opinions, even help but I draw a line at you telling/ordering me how I should live my life.

• You – the sole determinant of your worth is your own confidence in your assets, your capabilities. The way you will show up to an interview and sell yourself for that promotion is dependent on both your qualifications and how bad you want it. People’s perspective of you will be based on what you “sell them” and how consistent you are in reminding them of your power. If every day you are playing a different part, you cannot blame them for being confused – and most certainly cannot fault them for taking you as a joke, not trusting you and diminishing your worth. Adding to your worth, to your confidence is dependent on your consistency. The more consistent you are, the less you fumble. Simple example I’m sure we all go through: at the gym. If every day is New Year’s Day, your fitness worth is null. No one will believe your gym tips – how you have tips and barely work out?!?

As much as the goal is to be 100% authentic, consistent in all aspects of life, it can be difficult. There are days you will lose yourself and fall within the crowd. There will be new jobs and feel like the new girl on the block and forget you are that “bitch”; an argument with your boyfriend will have you in shambles for a week and you think you don’t deserve your own Prince Charming. The key is to always get back on your high horse. This is so not in a demeaning way; why does society want us to believe confidence is unattractive.

Knowing your worth does not dim others’ light. Your entourage should be proud you are embodying your best self in every aspect. The more of you they get, the better the experiences shared.

Toasting to each and every one of us knowing our worth and that our light should always shine bright like diamonds!