Damsel [in distress]

In this 21st century, women have been screaming loud and proud about their independence. Such a topic, even Ne-Yo has a song about a woman’s independence. We are so quick in letting guys know that we can do it all by ourselves. You don’t want to pay the bills, guess what, I can manage two jobs and show you I can pay them and still have a social life. You don’t want to get my car fixed, I will drop it to the mechanic and call an uber to work. You are not doing your part as a man, then that’s fine, I will “use” you until I can replace you. The black female has become the epitome of excellence, of making a way when there is no way, of just fulfilling all roles so well – even the male role; but at whose expense?!

This weekend is Valentine’s Day and coming back on social media – yes, I have fasted from IG for about 6 weeks; I am sure I will see many single ladies / sidechicks (sorry for the term but they do exist) / ladies in “situationships” post about how they do not need a man to feel loved or to celebrate love. They have enough love to go around. Sureeee. Let him ring your phone at 11pm, you will pick up and tell him the door is unlocked. That is part of your independence right?

It is ok to be self-sufficient or that independent word. I am part of that independent group. I wear it as a badge of honor. Why wouldn’t I? Besides my parents and siblings motivating me, my friends cheering me on, I have achieved everything I set on my to-do list by myself. Two masters, a career I love (physician assistant), a passion that keeps me going (blogging and fitness). My will to succeed and be my best version yet have propelled further. To quote one of my favorite bible verses: “I can do all things through God who strengthens me”. And I will, best and believe. I applaud every single woman who keeps going on despite the trials and tribulations. You deserve the crown you are wearing and do not let anybody, especially men, deny you your flowers. There should never be shame or restraint in wanting better for yourself. But everyone has to rest sometimes, even God did on the seventh day; why would you think you would be exempt –independent or not.

Our independence is something to celebrate but we also need to know when to throw in the towel. It does not make us look weak; and even if it did, we are physically weaker than our male counterparts; so if letting him overtake in some matters shine a brighter light onto our weakness, then let it be so. You can be strong all you want and put a Ring camera all over your house but you know you feel more comfortable if your male partner was in the house with you. When your car breaks down, you call your dad, your boyfriend/husband or your male best friend. Many scenarios involve us, females, reaching out and wanting our male counterparts not only to step up, but also to anticipate our problems/concerns and make them go away before we have time to articulate the inconvenience they cause. Basically, if I have a man in my life, I better not need to worry about a damn thing. That is what a REAL man is and should represent.

In our I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T character, have we let enough space for these men to show up and show out? Are we engulfing them too much with our strength that we are attracting the wrong kind of man or just scaring away the right ones? Then again, a REAL man will not scare easily and will tame the beast in us before we even start to roar.

Can we for a moment be a damsel – in distress.

What?????!!!!!

What does that even mean?

It simply means letting the man play the role he was designed the play. Basically, we should all know our role and stay in it. I can hear some of you say it is the 21st century; the gender roles should no longer stand. Gender equality! Well, it is this whole gender equality thing that puts us in this mess in our relationships in the first place. As your female counterpart, I will step up, support you and help you through and with whatever you might lack for a period of time BUT, you are designed to be the leader, the provider, the protector, the builder, the snow remover, the car fixer, the ghost killer, the thief fighter, the fire extinguisher, the “I’ll take care of it”. Periodt!

Our independence kicks in when we encounter a male who is not playing their role; best believe I can do bad all by myself – picture the movie. And a man who comes into our life and is here to stay, will have us shed that shield in a heartbeat. The key is to recognize the men from the boys and be a damsel in distress to the right Popeye.

Your strength is his weakness, understandably so. You claim you are the best thing since slice bread because you can pay your own bills, you bought your own car/home, is self-sufficient financially; he will take care of that load for you. Even if he doesn’t make as much money as you; since it is his duty to provide, he will finesse a way. Legally, hopefully! Nobody has time or money for bail.

Little by little, unbeknownst to you, your plate that appeared so full before meeting him will become manageable just because he is now in your life and you have let him play his role. Ladies, if a man comes into your life and is adding to your headache, he is not IT!

Recently there has been talk about submission. Women are in an uproar about being submissive to their men. Ever jump in a car with someone, let’s say on a trip abroad, and ask where we are going; and they look at you and say: “I don’t know, I thought you had the directions”. Chile! I will unfasten my seatbelt so fast. What do you mean you don’t know how to get me there? That’s why you are in the driver seat. Being a damsel in distress is then no longer in play because you – the man, has not even attempted to search for the directions; you are clueless and you want ME to be submissive. What am I submitting myself to, getting lost and hauled by bears in the forest?

Bears in the forest can be a metaphor for any failures, roadblocks in life that could have been prevented if your male partner was playing his role. For my plastic surgery ladies, you want a surgeon who has mastered the perky butt you want; you don’t go to the doctor who specializes in nose job in you want Cardi B’s butt even if he is offering discount coupons. Everyone has their role and things get less messy when we recognize our boundaries, stay within them and play our roles.

I have seen the fiercest woman become so soft in the presence of her man. She trusts him with her finances, her health – physical and emotional, her family, her reputation, her life.

Being a damsel in distress is not being a puppet or a Barbie. It is being strong enough to let go because you have a capable man.

There cannot be two alphas in a relationship. For the right chemistry, there is always a positive to attract a negative. Everyone is vying to be a power couple, like that's the new thing. But power couples actually work when each party understands their weakness stops when the other's strength begins. We cannot be both strong in the same areas; we cannot both lead; this car will forever be in neutral - how do you decide which direction to go?!

I wanted to touch on this topic as these past few weeks, many people have suggested I might appear intimidating to the men courting me due collegiate/career achievements. First of all, you should be happy your woman is accomplished and happy in this stage in her life and second, my demeanor towards my goals are completely different from my ways in romantic relationships. She is a beast in the streets but definitely a damsel in the sheets - again, to the right one.

Happy Valentine's Day!