Overcoming

The story is out! Every time I think about it, there are few seconds of disbelief – like did I dreamed it? And I run to the blog and confirmed that yes lady, it is up for the world to read, comment, share and most importantly learn from. After the first confusing seconds, there is a sense of accomplishment mixed with strength and peace, putting me at ease. Vulnerability was needed; and from it, I gained a clearer version of my identity and purpose.

Before I go any further, I want to thank every single person who has made this journey less dreadful and sending you virtual hugs and kisses. In the words of Nene Leakes – with a more positive connotation to them, “we see each other”.

I could insert so many quotes, lyrics of how acknowledging your past can shape your present and determine your future. There is no more weight on my shoulders, no more reason to hide my feelings behind a grin, fabricating prior commitments to skip a family event. My words have more power now because they come from pure and honest feelings. I have spoken to many SURVIVORS – from similar trauma or others, and the same questions arise: “how did you do it? How did you put it past you? The funny thing is it is actually not past me. I shall explain in a few. Keep reading.

One of the best things I found was helpful was to keep a goal calendar. There was such satisfaction and motivation from checking things off my list. From school to the mundane daily activities and future plans, they were listed on my planner and/or my white board. Monthly motivational quotes are also a thing. It was about keeping my mind busy in a productive way. I was determined to press reset but I also knew speaking out was the most needed - and last tool - in my box. When I look back, my roadmap to liberation followed these categories.

o School – THE EDUCATION. Studying on my own was probably a blessing to my parents. If it was the virtual learning world back then, I would have had no problem taking on this new challenge. I enjoy learning. In middle school, I was almost always the highest graded student. From obtaining my bachelor and smoothly pursuing two masters, the latter a complete 180 from my prior field; advancing academically was something I was proud of. It kept me in line, focused and it felt like as long as I had my grades in order, then my life was in order. You tend to want something to control, and in that field, I was a master.

I am not saying you need school or what is considered the education standard described above. But there is truth in setting goals to better yourself in any area of study or work you wish. Mine, later on was medicine, and I put every single brainpower and dedication, quieting out the noise to get there.

o Fitness – THE HOBBY. Who does not like a good sweat?! And the rewards!!! #bodygoals anyone? Going to the gym at first felt like a way to be like my big brother. He is strong, aware of his presence, confident in his abilities and looks physically attractive. There is a part of me I felt needed to be stronger; as I was still searching the how to overcome this “mental fragility”, I would take care of the physical body. On and off at the gym became a weekly, then monthly dedication. The hour I set apart for it was my me-time; phone is on Do Not Disturb, playlist is picked, and my mind is so free and quiet, in a world I created. I leave feeling recharged. I leave feeling stronger.

Fitness helps with your mind, body and soul and I encourage everyone to tap into whichever workout style is both safe and enjoyable to you.

o Kompa – THE CULTURE. This reminds me of my beautiful Haitian culture. And when I think of us, I see resilience, perseverance, courage and strength. I could listen to Kompa all day. This was my guilty pleasure. Going to a club and dancing the night away or just sitting in VIP and hear a live band, with our people enjoying and being proud of their culture. There is comfort in looking at the next person and they are enjoying every single note, understanding every single word, and translating them through their cadence. Kompa is life and being Haitian, having such a rich heritage to celebrate was a sweet, harmless distraction.

Healthy distractions exist. Alcohol, other drugs, and promiscuity are numbing; they do not treat, help or cure. At their best (or worse), they actually expose your scars.

o Prayer life – THE THERAPY. Let me tell you about the Word of God! I grew up in a practicing Christian family. I lived life on Borrowed Faith: knowing my parents and siblings prayed so much, I felt I had guardian angels right here on earth; so my personal prayer life was flimsy. And of course, there was the constant “why me” – being God’s child should have spared me this ordeal. There was a time 2012-2014, where these questions were just non-stop. The only thing quieting them down was praying. I would pray in my car, in my bed, in the gym, at the club and it became a habit.

I know many people who are in therapy and love it. Culture is just now normalizing “black men” going to therapy. Seeing a psychological expert does help; I do contemplate seeing one at times but the peace I get from praying has been enough, for me, for now. If your avenue is therapy, please do the work. By any means necessary, let us not let the trauma cage us.

o Community – THE SUPPORT. You cannot do life without community. My immediate family and friends are my support system. From believing my story on day one, encouraging me to tell it and supporting me in the aftermath, they are real MVPs. I know how easy it is to doubt people’s love and support of you. Real love and kindness exist. People do care. It is ok to allow them to genuinely be in your life. Once I understood not all the apples were rotten, my life has gotten better. And if you encounter another rotten fruit – pain will happen, in different ways – you just removed them from your basket. Having a mentor is also important - does not have to be someone you know. It can be anyone (or a few) whose tenacity you admire and able to emulate.

Allow yourself to be loved, embraced, cheered on by people. Life, as challenging it can be, is more beautiful sharing it with loved ones.

o Vulnerability – THE MOMENT. This word, the journey turner, changed my life. So many times I chose impertinence as a cover-up for strength, a defense mechanism. Who doesn’t talk back when they feel strong?!? I fought with my words and attitude - unbeknown to me most times. I was a goal crusher: school was great, extracurricular activities were great, health screening was normal. This kid has got it going on. And she moved to sunny Miami to study her dream career. What a life! But I was not happy in (most) relationships; I was not honest with my family; not fulfilled as much as I would want to because my “perfect” exterior was on some days, an imposter. The more people I told about my rape, the lighter, happier and peaceful I became. So guess what, I wanted more of it. The moment I decided to be vulnerable to others - the world essentially - was my page-turner.

I know it is hard to make such an ugly past a reality by telling your story. You feel you are giving it/him/her more credit they are worth. But guess what, your peace of mind matters; moving forward matters. You are not accepting the pain, you are repurposing it.

So let me go back to the question of the hour “how did I put it past me”. I used the points above. I realized I performed better when my goals are written as it keeps me accountable. Even my gym days, beauty appointments, girls’ nights are scheduled – a bit neurotic but it works for me. Again, it is me (trying) to "regain" control. You have to find what works for you in a constructive way. When I realized my most precious relationships were getting affected by my past, I decided to switch the narrative. My relationship with my mother is at its best now – because she knows. I have cousins I am getting closer to because they know. My protective shield had kept everyone at bay but I am accepting genuine friendship, love and support from the right people. You stole something from me; you were not going to steal my joy, my family, my love of life, sheesh and my future husband, kids and all the good blessings coming my way. I am repurposing my pain.

Again to everyone who has reached out and I am speaking to you ladies (you know who you are), I am open, available and ready to help you through this. You are not alone. It is not easy but it is doable. I am your strength until you find your own... and beyond. The shackles are off. I will continue to walk in my purpose – THIS is my purpose.

Welcome to my world!

Love and Light. Always and in all ways.