#FAMILYOVEREVERYTHING?!?

I was listening to Angela Yee’s podcast “Lip Service” – one of my favorite distractions from our current gruesome reality, and her guest “The Dream” was saying how it is not impossible to choose your family. Angela did not agree; for her and many people, you are born into your family and it is your DUTY to love them, respect them and be there from the beginning to the end no matter what could have transpired. Blood is thicker than water is a saying we have heard many times and has set the tone on how we tackle personal relationships. If the choice is between a family member and a friend, there should not be a second thought – FAMILY OVER EVERYTHING.

Well my values are a little different and definitely align with The Dream. I might not have had a say in the family I was born into but I will definitely have power into whose ties I allow to remain intact despite of wrongdoings or misconduct. Family or not and especially if you ARE family, I am holding you to a higher standard; you should know better than that and hurting someone you love because your access to them is considered permanent is twice as hurtful and unforgivable.

So yes and ABSOLUTELY yes you can choose your family. And with that same energy you can revoke a family member’s access to you. You can revoke ANYONE’S access to you. This is something we have to grow comfortable with and teach our kids, because if uncle Billy is touching inappropriate parts, or auntie Lisa is bringing Johns around when she is babysitting, our children need to be comfortable and courageous enough to not only recognize these behaviors - among others are wrong, speak out against them and revoke access to that person from their life. A lot of these generational curses y’all trying to break are not and will not be broken anytime soon because we make it ok to suffer in silence, in public, any situation, any time. Some people are “loners” and are never at family functions, or always in their rooms; might be their personality but it might also be because everyone’s favorite cousin, uncle, family friend is someone the whole family needs to revoke their access to.

Sometimes circumstances align and people in your life, a friend, a co-worker a gym buddy become the sibling, elder in your life. They happen to do so much for you, effortlessly, with the purest heart and intentions. God blessed me in that department and I have met a few people whose intentions and actions have brought only sunshine and rainbow. Why would I not want these people to occupy a bigger space in my heart? Some friends do become family and some family members can and do become acquaintances you share a last name with.

I refuse to be available to hurt, disappointment, jealousy, resentment, half-meant wishes for anyone. I am using the “Do not Disturb” option on anything disturbing the peace. Emotional state, mental peace matter and need to be preserved. We are not handing free pass to anyone to run array in our life, on purpose and without purpose. Life is too short and precious happy moments are becoming too far in between. We have to protect ourselves because no one else will; you are your own responsibility first. It is nice having the husband who is the protector, the wife who is the nurturer, the big brother who will fight off the bullies, the sister who cheers you on, the best friend you tell all your secrets to but if nobody got you, you got you! Emotionally, physically, financially, psychologically, all the “lly” you can think of, you are your first go-to. I speak on this often: if you are not strong enough, you cannot use the little bit of strength you have to save someone else. The more complete you are, the better support you can be to someone else. If they need you, if you are going to give yourself, be strong enough to have a little something left for you. But man/woman was not made to be alone, we are better in community but if that community is also my downfall, alone it is until I can create a better community suitable for me.

Some things you can ponder upon on how to do community freely, happy and most importantly not at your detriment.

· Be present, but not always available: I will be there at your birthday party but I will be bailing you out every month for the same dumb reason

· Be forgiving, but not forgetful: We are family, hurt happen. I can forgive here and there but you won’t have my whole heart the same way as before

· Be ambitious, but not selfish: I can both go after my dream and help you with yours if you are putting in the work

· Be happy, but not dismissive: I can both be happy in my life and hold your hand while you cry but you will not fault me for my luck

· Be a go-to, but not at the expense-of: You can reach out to me for anything but you will not use me for anything

· Speak your peace, but do not force your views: I will tell the truth and be as objective as I can, expecting the same from you but if there is no reciprocity I will not fight to have you see it from my side of things

I love my family; I mean I brag about them all the time. But I also think the ones close to me have earned their access badge, as I have in their life. Just like a couple, just because we are married do not mean you have the right to demand things and talk to me a certain way, respect is earned. Just because you are a cousin, a sister do not mean you can steal from me, owe me money, disrespect my significant other, tell my business on the strength of blood. Loving can be from a distance until the “problematic” party get their stuff together. I also know how I want to be loved as a friend, as a family member and I will go wherever that love is pure. Just like the grass is greener wherever you water it, love gets duplicated wherever it is reciprocated.

Do you have friends who literally have become family? Share with us!