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Emotionally Scarred

  • Writer: Steph
    Steph
  • Oct 25, 2020
  • 5 min read

Updated: Oct 28, 2020


“A love letter came through the mail, it says I miss you…” quoting my favorite song from Lil Baby. I used to be emotionally scarred; more like PTSD whenever I had to take an end-of-rotation exam during PA school, since the very first one was a complete failure.Your present situation is never your final destination. Never. Please believe me. Some people have been through worse than me, but you guys know most of my story. I have dealt with some crazy, awful moments but I am at the best place in my life currently. I have a family who would do anything for me, friends who show up and out for me, passion projects I am tapping into and a career I am thriving in. This last bit was not for certain during my clinical year of PA school. I wanted to touch on this as we celebrated PA week earlier in the month.



I studied medicine – Master in Physician Assistant Studies, in sunny Miami. Bathing suits all-year round, sign me up! Then reality hit. Rough start the first couple of months, as I had to adjust my way of learning. Pretty gifted student in my earlier studies – not bragging, but I am touching on this to help make the contrast in PA school. I studied by myself as a kid, and the excellent report cards were a joy to my parents every marking period. So the same outcome was expected during PA school - now to think about it, expected from ME "overachiever", not really from them. But medicine is more of a visual learning than I was ready for. Like you have to picture the human body, the layers, the organs layout and function to understand most medical conditions. If a bullet hits someone in the shoulder, what muscles or arteries it nicked that the person cannot raise their shoulder or squeeze your finger during the strength test.



So I had to go back to the drawing board, literally. I became an artist, sketching, and coloring different body parts to understand what I was reading. Not coming from a medical background was definitely not helping. Like my bachelors and first masters was in Communications. I had a lot of ground to cover. The following months were much easier once I had a picture in my mind to work with until my first rotation. Rotations are the clinical application of what you learned in class; you are actually seeing patients, coming up with a diagnosis and treatment plan. Ok, it was time to put my big girl pants on!


My first rotation was in Family Medicine – my current career, tongue in cheek. Anyone in medicine knows this is the bulk of your studies. You cannot do any specialty if you do not know family medicine; this is the basic. You have to know EVERYTHING. How sway?!? After 6 weeks of the rotation, we had both a written and oral exam. Failed the written test by 1 point. Retook it 2 weeks after, failed again with a 69/70. Great! I cried so hard. My life was over. My career, which has not yet begun, was over. I will never be a PA. I left my life in Jersey for nothing. Let me pack my bags and head back home. I felt like a failure. Medicine came with such ease to my dad and brother; did the gene skip me?



My dad wrote me the most wonderful letter that week. He was encouraging me with every single word, speaking life and positivity over me. He believed in me; they all believed in me and I just had to get my confidence back. I had to repeat the rotation at the end of the program. I graduated with my class, but stayed back 6 weeks to complete the Family Medicine rotation. The 3rd time I took the test was a breeze; earned my well-deserved A. 4 weeks later, I passed my certification exam with the same effortlessness. This was the stamp I was made for this field.


Anything worth having will test your faith, your intelligence, your sanity at some point. But when I look back how far I came, I deserve the pat on the back. The frustration, the tears, the anger over my notes; the sleepless nights, the palpitations while presenting a case to my preceptors, the self-doubt when you are coming up with your first treatment plans. The struggle was real – is still on some days, but they are very, very few. When I failed my exam and was just so unsure about my fate in medicine, my brother told me about his doubtful days and some of his struggles during his fellowship. My friend who is currently starting her rotation for Nurse Practitioner is a ball of nerves. I am able to speak encouraging words to her because a couple of years back, I was in her shoes. Your struggles can help the next person. I will never stop sharing mine because I know I needed someone to tell me their journey was not as perfect as it appears on Instagram. At the end of the day, we are all trying to be the best version of ourselves daily – some people are more transparent about letting others know masterpieces are created out of flaws, past and present.


On the days I need a little push, I read my dad’s letter; and of course I cry all over again – such a softie. It is my tangible affirmation that after the rain, flowers bloom. If you are going through a self-doubt moment, I am hoping the following thoughts help you see the light at the end of the tunnel:

  • Don’t give up; people are looking up to you.

Sometimes it is not about you succeeding or being the best, or winning the prize. You can bring hope to others by just not giving up. Your perseverance matters to the next person. You are in a marathon, and all eyes are on you. It's not about the haters, but the people who are looking for a sign to keep going.


  • You can be your own worst enemy; be kind to your progress.

Sometimes you don’t meet your deadline. But did you die?!? Rome was not built in one day. Take that sip of coffee or water, adjust your crown, and get back to your goals. Does it really matter if you made it if you get there in broken pieces?


  • It can take several tries but if your heart is in it, then the fight is not over.

You can kiss several frogs until you meet your prince. This is your race; not your parents, not your friends and certainly not your 1000 followers on Instagram whom you barely know.


  • Clap for yourself.

Too often we celebrate others and not ourselves. Don’t you think you deserve the same love and affirmation you are giving to your friends? I will clap for you but always will clap louder for myself, because if I am not happy and proud of my own accomplishment, how can I unselfishly be big proud of yours.



PA school taught me patience, self-confidence, focus and most importantly humbleness. If you are struggling, keep thinking the best is yet to come; because it is. You are still in this game called life; the referee has not blown his whistle yet.



 
 
 

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