Age ain't nothing but a number

When I was younger, even before my “dating days”, I used to envision my husband being a couple of years older than me; to me the older age meant he was more mature, and the relationship would be better positioned to succeed. A couple of years later, I understood I was envisioning what I saw at home – my parents are happily married, dad is 5 years older and is the perfect male partner to my mother. Why not try to reproduce that image? It worked for them, then I should just copy and paste and I am guaranteed it would work for me.

After a few failed relationships, I was not actively looking. I was in school in Miami; drinking my water, studying and minding my business when I met this guy at a party. Totally unexpected; I went because I had some friends in town from Jersey and we wanted to spend some fun time together. Met this mister on the dance floor - very original lol; he was a wonderful kompa dancer – low key my weakness; and typical night at the club, he bought my friends a few drinks and exchanged numbers. He told me he was in real estate – bonus points for him as I was done dating party promoters. He texted and called the next day; no answer from me. This went on for a week or two until I was tired of seeing his number pop up that I answered. We spoke; dinner reservation was made for the following weekend.

Great time at dinner. Such a gentleman, sweet guy actually. He was recently divorced with two young boys, from up north and frequently went back to Haiti. Bonus points again for the latter. Dude owned a whole horse. Like what Haitian do you know owned and sold horses? They are not cheap!!!

We quickly became a couple. I was busy with school, he was busy with his investments so we ended up being each other’s peace, comfort zone. We shared the same faith and most life values; the intimacy was great. He ended up meeting the family and they liked him. Like he was checking off major boxes. Until he did not.

This guy was 12 years my senior. He had been married. He had the kids. He had multiple fruitful investments. He had lived.

The thing about me, I am so in control of my career, passion, projects, social events that I always thought I would appreciate – almost need, someone who would take over in the relationship. Not like boss me around and tell me what to do, but simply lead; which I still want – but you have to know where you are leading me, make sure it is somewhere beneficial to both our lives, individually and as a couple. I am not submissive in nature but I will be to my man.

So I was in a relationship with an older guy, “more mature”, looking for houses. He would know what he wanted; he would not be playing games like the younger ones I have dated. Everything was moving so fast but at the same time we were not going anywhere. I was so deep into studying I blocked out any signs he was not the one because, how could he not. Everything else was on the right track for once in the other aspects. He would have been the last missing piece to my life puzzle.

A few months after meeting my parents, my brother and his wife, he told me he was not ready to give me what he saw and sensed in that house: close family filled with love and not afraid to show it. Then what the hell were you thinking you were going to filled the house we were looking at with? It took him months to say this, months of me sensing something was off but he kept ensuring me we were ok. In his own words “you are everything I imagined I would ever want or need in a wife, but I cannot give you the love you deserve”. Then what were you giving me? Or better yet, was I that bad of a judge of character or plain blind to have accepted your mere presence as love?!

Age aint nothing but a number! Older does not mean you know what you want or ready to settle down. Experiences sharpen your outlook and enable you to know what you can accept and reciprocate. I thought at a certain age, you stopped wasting people's time. Joke was on me. I was not heartbroken over the situation, but more so disappointed of the expectation I had attached to his age - not him as a person. Once I realized how dumb this concept was, it was so much easier to close that chapter and move on. At the end of the day, there are two people in a relationship. As much as the female would like to be swept away and have all her princess dreams become a reality by the charming prince, she needs to know herself, her boundaries and come in with enough self-respect to excuse herself from any situation that no longer serves her. I will fight for my relationship but we both have to want it - I might want it 70 percent one day, but you have to put up the 30 percent and vice versa.

So when it was time for me to decide if I should stay in Florida or pursue job opportunities in New Jersey, he was big surprised. How you not know where you want this relationship to go but want me to put my life on hold until you figure it out? Some people like you to be on standby until they know for sure how you fit in their lives - friends and romantic partners alike. No sir I do not think so!

4 things I have learned from that 6-month relationship:

- I do not want to be a housewife. I worked too hard for my degree and career and love my own money too much to sit at home. I may do reduced hours but Steph will work. I have too much energy for otherwise.

-Age does not equal level of maturity. This should have never come as a surprise to me as I know many older Haitian men who are living the single, unattached but sharing my whole life with you and wasting your time.

-I do not mind (step) kids. I would be a wonderful second mommy. I am 33; it would be almost foolish to think my mate would not have kids in their 30s. But one thing for sure, I would never want the kids to feel they are not as much of an integral part of this "second" family as my own kids. You guys were just born a little earlier.

- I do not need my parents' approval of my partner. A beautiful relationship between in-laws is ideal but we are not marrying our families but each other. My parents lived their lives so well - and they should trust I would engage in this lifetime journey with a decent someone suited for ME, not THEM.

Relationships are not easy. It takes two to tango; whether an entanglement or true romantic partnership. Communication is key, vital! So date younger or older, date outside your culture if you want, date cautiously but enjoy the process. No one knows what your heart truly desires and needs but you and the Almighty - not even your partner. Read that last part again!